Wow has life changed. People always said life will never be the same after you have kids and I never really knew what they meant.
The first month was really challenging. Judah came exactly 2 1/2 weeks early and we spent 5 days in the hospital because he was jaundice. I felt kind of "ripped off" from the birth experience I longed for and disappointed in myself that my labor wasn't peaceful like I wanted and planned for. I was extremely sore after delivery because I had been on bed rest for so long, and for intents and purposes, I went from absolutely no activity to the biggest form on exercise a person could participate in. I had a very hard time getting out of bed the first two days and had to watch as Jared cared for the baby. He got really good at changing diapers, feeding him, swaddling him (which I'm still not good at, haha), and even picking him up. I felt like helpless because I felt like I was the mother and I should be doing all those things. And I should be really good at them--automatically. I would have never have thought I would have to rely on Jared to teach me those things. Then people started coming to visit. I got really jealous because as soon as I was feeling well enough to hold the baby, people were coming to see him and of course, hold him (No, not you, Lindsay and Bryan. We're SO happy you guys came). I saved up all my energy to be personable when visitors were here and by the time they left, I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was hold my baby. His jaundice wasn't improving like they wanted it to and the pediatrician kept trying to get me to supplement with formula. It was stressful and breastfeeding was hard. For some reason, the nurses were hesitant on letting me use the pump and once I started pumping, I felt good because I knew exactly how much the baby was eating. The doctor kept saying it wasn't good enough. Everything was unknown. Then Judah had to be put under the billi lights (in an incubator) and I was only able to touch him through the hand holes. It broke my heart to see him naked, only in his diaper, with special goggles over his eyes, and a sensor attached to him to make sure he didn't get too hot in there. I cried.
All I wanted to do was hold my baby. It sounds ridiculous now, two months later talking like that since there are babies in NICUs that actually have serious problems and their poor parents can't hold them for
months, but it seemed so hard back then.
I was a huge ball of emotions once I got home from the hospital and besides being physically tired and sore, I was crying over everything. Sometimes for no reason...I'm sure there was a reason in there somewhere, but heck if I knew. I felt a sense of abandonment and it made me feel really better when I saw someone post of thebump that they were feeling exactly the same way. I had grown accustomed to going to see my midwife at least once a week and it made me feel special that people wanted to take care of me, make sure that I was safe, and call to check in. Breastfeeding was still really, really hard, and hurt so bad and Jared was growing weary of my crying and not understanding why I was torturing myself so much and not just supplementing with formula. Sleep was impossible and I started getting insane anxiety over bedtime. I knew that I was exhausted but it didn't matter and I knew I would be up all night. Jared slept on the couch because he had to work and I had to go to the bedroom, with the baby, and shut the door and fend for ourselves throughout the night. I was struggling with feelings of resentment. Jared was still having a hard time adjusting with less sleep (even though he wasn't up all night) and it was hard to deal with a cranky baby and husband when you don't even want to deal with yourself.
I got mastitis 3 times and breastfeeding was still so very difficult for me. I decided to pump for a few weeks to make sure that Judah was eating enough and gaining the weight he lost back. It was a hassle to keep washing the bottles and pump parts, and there were dirty bottles all over the house. Forget about cleaning the house.
Then a schedule started to emerge. I could deal with that. Although it was a little stressful not being 100% sure of what was going to happen, I felt there was an okay chance that I could predict how nights were going to go. He'd feed around midnight, then again around 2 ish, then 4 or 5, then again around 7. Some nights he'd wake up to eat and stay up for 2, 3, or 4 hours....that was really difficult for me being up all night after being up all day already.
As the nursing started getting easier, so did nights. It was glorious. I am
SO glad I stuck with it for so many reasons. One day it just clicked. For Judah and for me. I wasn't worrying that he was starving anymore, I started to learn his cues for things, and I was starting to feel a real bond towards him that I felt very guilty for not experiencing right away. There was more time in the day because nursing cut my time---more than in half. It took about 45 minutes to pump, then I would have to clean everything, 10 minutes, then it would be another hour to feed him the bottle. Now he is becoming more efficient and it takes about 30-45 minutes for him to eat. Not to mention the absence of bottles ALLLLL OVER THE FREAKIN PLACE! :) Now if we can just get him to be content without being held constantly, don't get me wrong, I
really, really LOVE the cuddle time but when it takes you 8 hours to clear off the coffee table, it makes you insane. But I regress.
At about 1 month, Judah started to notice his surroundings. He loves looking at the fan, the lights on the ceiling, and the window behind the couch. His cry changed---one morning we woke up and thought he was getting sick because it sounded so different. The little baby bird cry wasn't there...it was deeper....He wasn't sick, he just grew out of it. He also started only wanting to sleep in his swing.
He is just over 2 months old now and we think the most marked changes have taken place over the past week or so. He has just started to smile AT you (not just cause), make new noises...coo?, move his head to follow you (he watched me put washcloths in the closet across the room!), get bothered by dirty diapers, is beginning to sleep through the night! Hooray!
He weighed in today at 12 pounds, 12.5 oz and is 1 inch shy from being 2 feet tall. :)
The exhaustion and learning curve of being a new parent is overwhelming. But it does get better.
It really, really, does. I think the 2 month mark was a huge turning point for us. Being able to sleep helps, but just the understanding of your child and his individual needs takes some time. I know we're going to hit some more rough patches--people keep saying as soon as you get used to a routine, the baby changes it--but it's so encouraging to see the progress, growing, and changes being made everyday.
I'm still a hormonal, emotional bag though. :)
See you along the journey--
