I've been wanting to sit down and write a journal type entry, rather than just the quick surveys for some time now.

I'm pregnant.  And it's crazy.  I still can't believe it and I'm a whole huge bag full of emotions.  I was ready to be pregnant back in the Spring of 2015 but because Jared was struggling with some personal and job related issues, our original "plan" was pushed off.  It was hard and my heart hurt.  And for months I was reminded of it and it continued to hurt.  We tried to get pregnant finally, for a brief time, and were unsuccessful.

My dad developed cancer, lots of family tension ensued, I was running him to appointments and well, everywhere all over, making millions of stressful phone calls, and developed pretty bad pneumonia while trying to keep up with all of it.  As an aside, I now have a patch of white hair and I bet it came from this time period.  I digress.  As spring rolled around again, I started thinking about the calendar and how nice it would be to try to have another baby next year at that time.  I really felt like Aylah's birthday at the end of March was a great time to have a little one because at that time of year it's starting to get brighter out, once I was coming out of the brand-new-baby-fog, park trips would be temperate enough, and we wouldn't be feeling like we were locked inside.

As much as I was looking forward to trying again, my heart and head were in a battle.  The extra year in between wanting to be pregnant and that point in time gave me a lot of extra time to be independent.  The kids were becoming more independent, themselves.  I was able to go and volunteer at Judah's school.  I even thought about the possibility of working (very) part time.  It was exciting to be able to go out for the day if I wanted to, by myself, and not be tied down by a time schedule.  It was awesome to feel rested and do crafts, and go out with my girls, without having to worry about being a mom for a little while.  So, I was worried.  And to be honest, I still am, actually.  My heart and my long-term mind knew that I wanted my family to grow but I was so afraid to go back to the newborn and infant stage again.  I don't do well on little or no sleep.  It's hard being pushed to the limit with no break, because you can't have one.  A baby screaming when you're so worn out and tired is so, so hard.  Terrifying, this stage is.  But, I know the long term gain is such joy and through the tears and exhaustion, I know my heart will be so full.  So, so full. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

I started watching my calendar and thinking about "if it's this month, than the baby will be born then.  Or if we wait til next month, the baby will be born then".  Well  this one particular time I told myself that if we ended up just happening to get pregnant (at that time), it would definitely be because God wanted it and it was meant to be for a reason (because this baby would be born in February and I really wanted to wait another two months to start trying).

I was out of my cheapo tests from Amazon and we had to go to the grocery store anyway. I kept bugging Jared that we should just get some tests "just for fun" (the only "symptom" I was having was that I kept waking up to pee at night, which I had read could be due to a hormonal shift).  I came home and took it and was like...what!?  when it actually came up positive.  When I saw the second line, part of me felt like I already knew it was going to be there and I was expecting it or something for some reason...which was weird because I had no reason to think or feel that way.  I walked out of the bathroom to Jared, who was sitting on the couch, and just had a goofy smile on my face.  I started laughing and he was like what?  Is it positive? Is it?  And I showed him.  He laughed and then the day kind of resumed back to normal.  I felt guilty about it because maybe I didn't focus on the news as much as I did when I was expecting my first baby?  Maybe it's because I have more distractions in my life now, or maybe because I wanted it so bad for so long and then all of a sudden it happened, or maybe because of my fears...?  I still don't know.

The next few weeks I had a hard time attaching myself to the thought of actually being pregnant because, well, I was just afraid, and because I wasn't having any real symptoms.  I called Sheela around 6 weeks, and told her I was pregnant, and asked her if she would schedule me an early ultrasound because I just felt like something wasn't right.  A friend from church's little boy passed away like 2 weeks before we found out we were pregnant and someone on facebook had a missed miscarriage (and posted tons of details about it... all the time) and the emotional toll those two things took on me really messed with my head.  I was convinced that because I wasn't having any symptoms that the baby had died and my body didn't know it yet, and that when I'd go for the ultrasound, there'd be no heart beat.

Right before 8 weeks, I had my ultrasound.  Jared came with me and we went to a place where I'd never gone before.  Once we arrived we learned it was their policy that no one was allowed to come back to the room until she had "gotten her pictures".  I was so upset because I was sure I would be receiving bad news and didn't want to be by myself.  I just couldn't believe their policy.  Poor Jared waited in the waiting room and I kept looking at the technician's face.  After a minute or two went by, I said is there a heart beat?  And she replied, "yes".  Wow!  I was so relieved.  She continued to do her exam, with the screen turned toward her.  "What kind of place is this!?" I thought to myself...she wouldn't even let me see what she was doing...!  Beep, beep, click, beep.  She kept taking measurements.  The baby was only teeny tiny...what in the world was she measuring?!  Finally she said she was going to leave the room, to go get her other tech, to get Jared.

As she returned, and walked around the curtain, Jared came in right behind her.  At the moment he rounded the corner and could see the screen, I joked, "there's only one in there, right?!" because in the days and weeks prior, in my worry, I continued to ask Jared to pray for the baby. He kept teasing me saying he was praying for the "babies".  She replied, "it's funny you should ask that...no, there's two".  I screamed.  And screamed.  And laughed.  And screamed.  And my brain stopped working. And my legs got tingly.  And the numb.  And for 15 minutes she tried to answer our questions to the best of her limited knowledge of twins...and I continued to interrupt her by my screaming.

I made the decision that I would switch to a closer hospital, with a (much better) NICU and that I would sadly have to find an OB to care for me.

Two days before I was set to see my specialist, I started having really severe pain in my right side.  At first I ignored it, but hours went by and I became doubled over in pain, making it impossible to stand up straight.  I couldn't help it and started crying.  Off to the ER I went.  I needed to make sure everything was okay.  Come to find out, I had a sizeable cyst on my right ovary (the tech told me that was the ovary I had gotten pregnant from--fun fact) and it was in the process of bursting.  She also asked if I wanted her to give me her guess of what the babies were after she told me that they were going to be identical.  I said yes and she guessed boys.  She said she was pretty confident making in her guess.  Two days later, I had my first MFM appointment.  The pain had mostly subsided and that tech asked us the same question...do we want her to take a guess?  She had replied with the same answer: identical boys.    Even though it was so early, at 13 weeks, both sonographers, on their own, made the same prediction.  Because of this, we were pretty confident that they were right and she went on to confirm her suspicion at 16 weeks.  Two boys it is!

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From being afraid of getting pregnant, after wanting it for so long...to thinking that I had lost the baby...to find out, oh no, there's two in there...to having to find a new doctor, and practice, and hospital...having to digest all sorts of new and confusing information...and then appointments every two weeks...kindergarten starting.......................it's been a whirlwind!  I will be 23 weeks tomorrow and I feel like I haven't had the chance to really soak in anything yet!

Thankfully, my morning sickness was minimal.  It was substituted with just a general over all feeling of "un-wellness" is the only way I can describe it.  It seemed to last forever and then kind of disappeared.  The exhaustion this time around has been so, SO intense.  Unreal, actually.  And because of my rapid and sudden expansion, my hips, pelvis, and back are starting to hurt pretty darn bad.  I've been taking lots of epsom salt baths and getting back rubs several times a week out of true necessity. My feet are starting to hurt and I need to find better shoes.  Heck.  I might need to start wearing shoes around the house--which is where I rarely leave because I'm so dang exhausted all the time.

At just over 22 weeks, I was measuring 28/9 weeks pregnant and I'm up to about 145 lbs now.

Less than 100 days and we'll be able to see our boys.  14 weeks at most.  I am SO curious to see how my body holds up and holds these babies in!  My cervix at 20 weeks was right at a 4 and shortened to about 3.43 at 22 weeks but no one even flinched a bit at that change and said it was still great...and compared to my previous two pregnancies, it actually is!  I didn't have the crazy amount of GBS show up in my urine, my contractions--although there--are SO minimal and do not wear me out as they have in the past.  Crazy to say, this pregnancy has been way less stressful and way easier than the other two...even with the millions of appointments and so much information to digest.  Our babies are high risk because they share a placenta (Judah has been so sweet and praying about their safety, specifically because they share a placenta...we get a chuckle every time he says it), but their growth, fluids, and cord insertions all look equal.  Each appointment is stressful but because we haven't received any sketchy news so far, I haven't been putting too, too much thought to the risks that could happen.  Next week we'll go for our next scan and then in a month from then some of the TTTS risk begins to go down (although some other risks go up so Im not sure I'll ever feel "in the clear").

On Sunday, Val called to tell me that my OB is leaving the practice...........2.5 weeks before my 37 week due date.  I was NOT impressed with the other doctor I saw on Friday and am hoping my regular doctor gives me a call back soon so that I can come up with some sort of plan.  I think just because I have two other kiddos, a house, husband, and daily responsibilities to take care of, I'm not obsessing over it as much as my brain would like to...just taking most things one step at a time.

It's hard to believe that I for sure won't be pregnant in 14 weeks from now...and it's really emotional for me to think that I probably won't be pregnant again...ever.  I sometimes let my mind slip to the "this is the last time I'll ever..." sort of things but then I start getting worked up and ain't nobody got time for that.  But, that being said, I also WANT to focus on those things because I feel like it's all gone by so fast and I haven't had the chance to savor any of it yet.  Where did these (almost) 23 weeks go?

I'm so glad I took the time to get all this out.

See you along the journey--