Well, here it is.  The highly anticipated longish entry (you have been waiting, right?) .

I love my life.  What an exciting time of life this is!  Over the past 5 years, I've moved out on my own, got engaged, got married, went to an amazing island for an amazing honeymoon, got pregnant, was blessed and developed a great relationship with my midwife (it's awesome to have a circle of people around you that are like mindset when it comes to your health), had a mind blowing (ahhh hahah!) natural birth, watched my little boy thrive, learn, and grow on an everyday and sometimes nightly  basis.

I got baptized, made some great friends, grew in my faith and my relationship with God, and worked on being healed from past hurts and traumas.

I always knew I would be a mom eventually, but never had dreams of the process, or what it would be like...I never babysat other peoples kids, never oogled over other people's babies, didn't know how to hold a baby without "breaking them", and never even changed a diaper until Judah.  Growing up, my sister was always "labeled" the one that would grow up to be such a great little mom and I was always the one that could care less because I showed no interest. 

I think to myself I was born to be a mom but then immediately feel a pang of embarrassment because of the aforementioned label (and because sometimes, I feel like I look like I'm clueless---I'm sure all moms feel that way at one point or another!).

Isn't it amazing how we can let words affect us?  I have learned that people can say anything and everything, but we don't need to attach ourselves to those words, or take them on as our own.  Practicing non attachment makes so much sense and is really liberating--although sometimes easier said than done.  It reminds me of a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Good stuff.

As thankful and happy I am about my life, I have been struggling lately.  I want long another baby.  The feeling is intense and deep....and I feel it each and every single day.  The longing is difficult to describe, as I haven't felt this way about anything else in life--besides before we conceived Judah--he was something I prayed and prayed for.  You see, before I found out I was pregnant, Jared said that he wanted to be on "the 5 year plan".  His passion in life is paying off debt. He wanted to get our school loans paid off and have a majority of the mortgage paid off before having kids.  We weren't trying per se, but also weren't preventing, and that "plan" lasted all of 5 months...

I remember taking the test really hoping that it would be positive, but knowing that God's will is perfect. If it was negative, there was a really good reason for it.  I prayed that God would hold me and carry me through if it were negative, because he knew the desires of my heart. I went back to look at the test and there were two lines.

Now back to present day.  "Our" plan for our family is to have our kids close in age.  2 years being the closest together and hopefully no further than 2 1/2 years.  If you do the math, 2 years = February.  And because February is right around the corner, Jared changed his mind (haha, but I'm not really laughing).  He is smart and I need to relax and listen to his desires because in the long run, they will benefit our family.  We will need to take over the 3rd floor which means a few things:

1. We will lose that rental income each month and will need to figure out a way to make up for it
2. We will need to spend money on more renovations to enclose the hallway, knock down some walls, put new Sheetrock up, and a bunch of other things that have my Pinterest mind going, but cost $$$$$!
3. We still have Jared's van loan, my school loan, and the mortgage

At this point in time, he is still on board for having them, God willing, closer than 2 1/2 years apart (August) but wants to wait until after tax time since he's not sure if we're going to owe anything this year.

Here comes the possible TMI stuff.  Another wrench in the plan is that even if  we decided to try to get pregnant right now, I still haven't gotten my period yet.  To get your period, you have to ovulate.  To get pregnant, you have to ovulate.  Unless I catch the first egg (which would be awesome to not have a period for like 4+ years, lol, since I'm going on 2 years now) I can't get pregnant now anyway.  So it's a frustrating waiting game.  Breastfeeding is SO important and although I've weaned Judah a bit, I guess 4-5 times throughout a 24 hr period is still too much.  Again, I just need to let go of things that are out of my control.

I did make an appointment with my midwife to talk about the future,to make sure we're all on the same page, and to be proactive.  I asked her to order some blood work that my naturopath was interested in seeing and to check me again to see if I was still positive for Group B Strep (which is one possibility of why I was having so many contractions so early and frequently).  Unfortunately, I'm still positive.  I haven't gone to get the blood work done because I haven't been able to coordinate it with Jared's schedule (so I don't need to take the baby with me).  The blood work won't really tell us anything about possible complications with a future pregnancy, but rather just check my thyroid, vitamin D level, lead level (because Judah's were slightly higher than normal), etc.

We're about $1000 away from our goal amount to be saved in the emergency fund, I started researching new insurance policies to make sure I have the best coverage, and have a list of people to ask to be in our "support team" if the next pregnancy becomes high risk.

It's really scary to think of the possibility of being on bed rest with a toddler.  Way before I was on bed rest with Judah, when I just needed to "be careful" Sheela didn't want me lifting much more than 10 pounds and wanted me to put my feet up as much a possible.  As we all know (and love), Mr. Judah T is not a featherweight and wants to be held and carried often.  Again, again, again.  Out of my control.  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34


I am finally learning how to have some mommy-off-duty time, just like Jared goes to play basketball once a week.  I just finished 8 weeks of a sewing class, got a new book to read, am going out to dinner with a friend tomorrow, and am trying to get a group of girls together to do some fun stuff.  I'd like to work on being a better wife, too.  It gets hard some times because Jared is so busy with his work and to-do list and I don't know how to relax.  It will come.  I have to be intentional about things.


Christmas is only 3 full days and a few hours away---I can't believe it!  What I'm looking most forward to is seeing Judah open his presents.  Last year I was so exhausted and didn't wrap them because the thought of spending the time to wrap them, just to unwrap them myself seemed so silly.  This year, he will be able to unwrap them himself, as proven by the fact that he already has tried to multiple times....resulting in his presents now being on top of our dresser :)


Well,  that's all folks.


See you along the journey--