Top O the Mornin To Ya

Well, it's 5 am.  And I'm blogging.  Not a good sign.

...But maybe it is an okay sign.  I think at this point I have to give up and stop resisting giving up my "normal" routines as it is just going to make things harder for me.  I need to learn to go with the flow whatever that may be at a particular time or moment in my life.  So what that I'm up when it's still dark out?  So what If I go to bed again "for the night" at 10 am?  Who says what's the right way to do things?

I think I'm finding my life so challenging right now because I'm not sure what I can do at all.  I'm only supposed to be on my feet for a half hour or less, so that's not even enough time to get up, get moving, and go grocery shopping.  My half hour would be up before I could even get to the store.

Jared has been very good and very helpful but we're only two people and I can tell it is wearing on him already.  I'm having a very difficult time not feeling guilty when I see him overworking himself at his job, then trying to deal with everything around the house.  And it's not even like everything is anywhere near being done...I don't know how people do it.  I feel so bad sitting on the couch watching crappy TV when he's working (and I can tell that he's not happy) and then I still don't feel like I'm doing anything good for my body since I have some lingering contractions from when I was barely active, say, a half an hour before.

Sorry for whining.  I just don't know what to do with myself right now:

I can't 

• do my crafts because I had to give up my craft desk to become Jared's workspace since he lost his to the baby's room and all my craft stuff is in bags all over the house
• go shopping because now I'm barely working and can't buy anything
• relax because I'm laying around so much that it literally hurts
• do anything because I'm at the mercy of other people and it's so hard to pretend I don't see that the sink is over flowing with dishes because the dishwasher is clean, needing to be emptied, or want to take a bath, but the tub needs to be scrubbed (I can only take a bath in a super clean tub...I guess you could say it's a hang up of mine...lol)

I wonder what  most people's pregnancies are like.  I kind of missed out on the whole "energy burst" that a lot of people speak of during the 2nd trimester (which, in just a few days, I'll be in the 3rd tri already!, wow!).  I wonder what it would be like to be a movin' and a shakin' right up until my due date.  That'd be crazy.

I need to ground myself and remember that this too is just temporary and very literally won't last more than 3 months.  Seriously, I need to put things into perspective--3 months is really not that long of a period of time-- and there are people who are actually sick.  I'm not sick.  I'll be able to get over this and get over myself and it will all be a thing of the past in no time.  It's just a little hard going through it.  I don't need to be in control all the time but I do like to know at least the direction that things are going in...I know the long term, but a little glimpse into the short term would be lovely. 

Ah, I'm sure it doesn't help that the pregnancy hormones are probably making me more anxious and sensitive than usual.  Yeah, it's the hormones' fault.  Ahhhhhh.

I really strive for my blog to be a place of positivity, because really, there's no need to dwell on the negativity in life, but I am human and it definitely leaked through on this one.  I'm a little all over the place with my thoughts, but it's a true vision of my internal struggle right now and I promised to "be real"....yo.

See you along the journey--